Rage Blog

I almost wish there was no on. YOU DO NOT DESERVE ON. ELECTRICITY COSTS MONEY. how do you save money?, one might ask. TURN THE EFFING LIGHTS OFF. If you are not in a room but the lights are on… TURN THEM OFF. If you are sleeping and lights are on, before you go to bed TURN THEM OFF. SERIOUSLY? WHY IS THIS AN IMPOSSIBLE CONCEPT FOR PEOPLE. YOU ARE SAVING MONEY BY TURNING OFF THINGS YOU ARENT USING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

TURN THE FREAKING LIGHTS OFF WHEN YOU ARENT USING THEM. I DONT WANT TO PAY FOR THE ELECTRICITY SUPPLEMENTING YOUR STUPIDITY.

Disclaimer, I don’t hate old people. Old people are nice. They give you food, they bake things, they knit, tell fun stories, and are full of love. I love my grandparents too.

That being said… WHY ARE THEY TAKING OVER ? This is ridiculous. I honestly feel that the world has turned over. All of the people that were attending college here suddently aged from 18-25 to 78-89. There is a stampede of people rolling down the street in their hoverounds with their oxygen tanks in tow. The extreme elderly population jump is due to a motor vehicle convention that is going on ALL OVER CAMPUS as well as the city. What that means is not only are there 2,000 RVs on campus, there are the people (I’m assuming at least 2 per vehicle), their cars, golf carts, and anything else they brought. The union, where I, a student/employee, enjoy eating lunch…ALSO BEING TAKEN OVER.

….so i just got back from my dreaful lunch where the Zombie RVers are. One touched Tap and Tally and I laughed and dicussed the wrinkles, stench, and pants-creeping-up-ness that soon will probably starting effecting his life at any moment. They are congregating in masses eating their boxed lunches. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I fear that at any moment, I will start smelling like soap.

WHOS IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THIS HERE. ITS THE WHOLE CITY. I FEEL THAT I WOULD BE SAFER LOCKING MYSELF IN MY APARTMENT FOR THE NEXT 4 DAYS! EATING IN THIS CITY IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE TAKING UP SPACE WITH THEIR SLOW MOVING SCOOTERS AND CRANKY ATTITUDES. CAN YOU NOT FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN TAKING YOUR RV TO AN RV CONVENTION TO LEARN ABOUT RVS AND HOW TO FIX YOUR RV? YOU HAVE ONE ALREADY. YOU DONT NEED MORE! GO BACK TO YOUR HOME WITH WHEELS AND GET ON THE ROAD. THIS IS NOT YOUR PARKING SPOT. THE WORLD IS. NOW GO! ROLL ALONG.

So let me break a few things down on what is a very simple subject.  Odds are most of you know this, but for those of you reading who are surprised or taken off guard by anything here, pretend you knew all of this all along, I won’t tell anyone.

Manners are the worlds way of helping each of us overcome a single difficult fact, we are not the only person in the universe.  Most of learn this fact sometime during early childhood, but some people can apparently get through most of their lives without every really learning this little factoid.  Other people have things going on in their lives and just because you assume whatever it is you are doing is the most important thing ever, does not mean that it isn’t trivial compared to whatever it is the rest of us our doing.  Here are a few very general guidelines:

Assume that when you contact someone, odds are they had other plans.
These plans might be definite things like hanging out with a group of people, or hitting a club, or these plans might be just a wired set up such as planning to read a good book tonight, or watch some TV.  Either way, no one is planning on sitting and waiting for you to call them and make plans.  Maybe we will be happy to give up a night of TV to spend with you, maybe not.  Contact the person as early as possible and be understanding if they have other plans.  Do not just show up at our house without some kind of warning.

Assume people in the world do things all the time that you are not doing.
We get it, you are a fairly cool person and the party doesn’t start until you arrive.  Now, as you are only one person, odds are you will not be everywhere on this planet at once, so the rest of us have learned to deal with the lack of your presence.  As we have already established that we will be making plans in our lives, do not simply assume you are invited to everything the rest of us do.  If we mention our plans, but do not provide specifics or invite you, do not assume you are invited and show up.

Understand the dynamics of sharing
This one seems to be the most simple, but a lot of people get this one terribly wrong.  If you are our friend, we like you.  This does not give you a blank check of dickishness to rain down on us whenever you feel like it.  Odds are you glowing personality is not worth more than a few free rides, a couple of lunches, or maybe a month of parties without you bringing anything.  Eventually our friendly debt monitoring system is going to start to annoy us.  This is the quickest way to ruin a friendship, no matter how long we have known you.  Sure you are not doing anything specifically wrong or illegal, but the more frequently you take without giving, the less likely we are going to want to give in the future.

Now, this is going to bring us to our chart for the day:

As you will notice the graph shows number of experiences, rather than length in time.  I figure that it should go without saying that we have known you longer if you are further right or up on the chart, more moments meaning more time.  Some of these are going to be obvious, small amount of primarily positive moments would be new friends, small amount of negative being new rivals.  Large amount of mostly negative moments and you are an enemy and a large amount of mostly positive memories makes you a friend.

The gray area is where those of you who might have been learning thus far are located.  Before I go into where exactly you are in this list, let me point out that odds are you are still under the illusion that this chart is in reference to positive or negative moments as remembered by you.  The really hard part for those of you new learners out there to get is that we choose to remember things the way we remember them, not how you remember them.  Remember that cool dinner with all of our mutual friends that we drove you to because you never got your license, odds are that was at least a partial negative moment for us, because you got a free ride and all we got was more of your sparkling personality.  Remember that time we bought you dinner and then ate together and talked about old times, yea there is the inkling of a negative moment there too.

Now I am not saying friends should never buy friends things, or drive them places, or things like that.  When you take constantly, however, and never give, all of those things we gave you start to resolve into negative moments.  From then on out all future moments with you are going to start out negative, unless you do something amazing to make them positive.

Back to the chart, if you are in the top right and we hang out a lot, odds are you are in the Resentment Zone.  People in the long term acquaintance area generally do not hang out that often with us.  They tend to show up to group functions, or be at a party and over all we like them.  Sure they did those few terrible things back in the day, but since we never see them, we can forget them.  If you are around us all the time, we see your faults frequently, and find it harder to forget old negative moments.

We as people try and act as nice as possible.  See that green circle on the chart, mostly over real friends?  Those are the people we would spend our time with all of the time if we could choose to.  However, those of you outside of that circle force your way into our lives.  As a final lesson, or hint, or whatever you want to call it, if you are forcing yourself on us and we never call you, odds are you are not in that circle, and we don’t want to hang out with you.  Maybe you are a new friend, or a casual long term acquaintance, who knows, but you could also be bordering on enemy.

Oh, also buy some speed stick, it isn’t expensive.

Before you start reading this and getting your rage on against me, ask your self this question.  ”Do I speed because I want to get places more quickly, or do I do so because I enjoy driving faster?”  If your answer is that you enjoy driving quickly and you drive on the high way or non-residential roads, more power to you this rant is not about you.  If you drive quickly to get places faster, or try to enjoy your speed in around the town on city roads, fuck you.

First and most importantly, you are not going to get to your destination any real amount of time faster.  The faster you are going, the faster you have to go to make the same distance in less time.  Don’t believe me, lets do some math for the kids in the audience.  If you are traveling for 1 hour at 60 miles per hour, you will travel 60 miles.  As there are 60 minutes in an hour, we can do a simple bit of division to say that you will travel 1 mile every 1 minute if you maintain a 60 mile per hour speed.  Given that we find that if you divide that by a further 60, we can find that you would travel at 1/60th a mile every minute traveling at 1 mile per hour, or .016 repeating.  For the rest of this I am going to round that to .017 instead, which will make all of our numbers a little off, but the ratios will stay the same.

Now we know how fast you go per mile per hour per mile.  So if we set our standard average commute at 20 miles, which might be a bit longer or shorter than yours but should be a good median number, then we can set the time you would take to travel that at a given speed.  At 35 miles an hour it will take 33.6 minutes, at 45 the same trip would take 26.14 minutes to travel.  Now here is the tricky part, at 55 miles per hour it would take you 22.1 minutes to travel that same distance.  Now going ten miles faster between 35 and 45 you gain more then 7 minutes, but the same speed increase from 45 to 55 you gain less then 4 minuets.  Increasing that amount again you gain only 3 minutes.

For more information use this chart:

So for all of those people out there who enjoy traveling five miles over, news flash, just leave two minutes earlier and you can avoid every breaking the law.  Sure you might almost never get pulled over, but that one time you do is going to cost you.  Just in terms of time, if you are ticketed you will lose about 7 minutes on the side of the road, 7 or so more in terms of your having to pay the ticket (assuming 90 dollars a ticket and 12 dollars an hour salary), and perhaps more wasted time if your auto rates go up.  That one time of getting pulled over is going to take you two full weeks to make up speeding 20 miles a day.  What the hell are you doing in life that you can’t leave 2 minutes earlier?

I am not even going to get into your gas mileage here, but you can go to http://fueleconomy.gov/feg/driveHabits.shtml if you want to find out just how much more stupid you are.

Seriously people driving the speed limit is not going to kill you, you are not going to be late to work because of it, and most of all you are not a better driver at faster speeds.  Slow the hell down, the speed limits are there for a number of reasons and you breaking them is either you trying to rebel in perhaps the lamest way possible or just showing your ignorance to math.

I woke up one morning last week to a message saying “put these in the mail please” with an arrow pointing to the bills hanging on the bulletin board. I was annoyed for two reasons.

Reason 1) I NEVER GO BY THE FREAKING POST OFFICE. Its completely out of my way. I go two places… work (which is in the opposite direction and the grocery store (also, in the opposite direction)

Reason 2) THEY ARENT UNDER MY NAME. I would never trust someone to pay bills if my name was on them. I would put them in the mailbox myself to ensure they ACTUALLY got mailed.

Lets fast forward to today…. I wake up. Go check the mail. I got a lottery ticket (which I won 0 dollars on, boo!) and 2 BILLS WITH A RETURN TO SENDER ON THEM. “Why did you get them back?”, one might ask. OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDNT PUT EFFING POSTAGE ON THEM.

IF THESE BILLS ARE LATE. NOT MY FAULT. I PUT THEM IN THE MAILBOX. I DID IT. I DIDNT KNOW I WAS INCHARGE OF REMEMBERING TO SEE IF THERE WAS POSTAGE ON THE ENVELOPES BEFORE I MAILED THE ALREADY SEALED BILLS WITH RETURN ADDRESS LABLES ON THEM BUT NO FREAKING STAMPS. SERIOUSLY. WHO DOES THAT?! BUTTERFLY LOVERS. THATS WHO!

-Drew-

I am sick of these people who think the world owes them something. Go fuck yourself.

Congrats, mommy and daddy spoon fed you everything and turned you into a brainless bubbling mass of wasteless garbage.

Hypocrite time: STOP WHINING ABOUT YOUR FIRST WORLD AMERICAN PROBLEMS AND HOW EVERYONE SHOULD KISS YOUR FEET WITH THE SHOES YOUR RICH PARENTS BOUGHT FOR YOU.

Related: I don’t care WHAT your cultural background, be it Asian, Irish, African, anything - you do not get to pull the “but my great great grandparents were oppressed so… the world owes ME”. Really? You and your $400 phone? The world owes you SHIT. My great-great something-or-other was killed by some other person. OBVIOUSLY THE WORLD OWES ME A BILLION DOLLARS~

False. You owe the world: do us a favor and get off the planet.

I was never a huge fan of Michael Jackson, but I had tremendous respect for the guy.  I mean, he started young, made disco last through the eighties, looked like a puppet and talked like a fairy - and people still loved him! I don’t care who you are, that’s a badass incarnate.

He probably went home every night, peeled of his Rocky Dennis mask and laughed a manly laugh in front of the mirror before going into the bathroom to shave with a live porcupine.  Best cover in the world.  I’ll bet he was psychic too, feeding off the sorrow of the world. Hence the pain killers, if you need to pop a pill or fifty to stay sane what’s the harm?  If he’d cut himself off who knows? We might have been on the receiving end of a ridiculously smooth killing spree.

That being said, people auctioning their tickets to the final (unperformed) MJ concert - Fuck you.  You are holding in your hand a piece of history.  If you’re gonna sell it, give the money you earn to one of the 985729387293847 charities MJ started and/or contributed to.  Send it to his kids or something.  Consumer Whores.  He was a great humanitarian and artist, don’t defame his memory with commercial gain.

ANTITHESIS!

People so devastated by the loss of their beloved King of Pop that you are harming or threatening suicide? Come ON.  How are you going to listen to Thriller six feet under?  MJ isn’t holding a “Benefit the Angels” concert in Valhalla.  He’s dead. Like you would be.  God you people are dumb.

Kill yourselves.

wait…

This is to demonstrate how nerdy I am to Pony* (please notice the sarcasm, and if i sound stupid about halo wars, its because i am, i’ve never touched the game)
Drew: TALLY DID YOU PLAY HALO WARS LAST NIGHT!?! IT WAS LIKE SO AMAZING
Drew: I HAD TO FINISH THE GAME
Drew: SO I DRANK LIKE A MILLION MONSTERS
Tally: opkjio;nuhbgyvftydcr
Drew: AFTER THAT… I ORDER 3 NEW PARTS FOR MY COMPUTER
Tally: i sent it to BearGuy*
Drew: AND THEN SLEPT NEXT TO MY STUFFED DARTH VADER

i would love to tell Pony* that college people are more vicious than lions… and you are weaker than a zebra. *grr…munch munch munch*

Everyone knows someone who thinks it’s’ a good idea to use their facebook page to publicly quote themselves.  Something so idiotic that they spent all day thinking up, and unleashed on an unsuspecting group of people at dinner.  Did it get a laugh? no, of course not, it was fucking lame.  But this person, this “Word Wizard” decides it was good enough to share with the world.  Well let’s get something straight right now.

Quote yourself, and you are a douchebag.

Now, as with everything in this world, there are exceptions.  Quoting yourself as a lead up to a punchline or incident is fine.  Most crap people think is funny requires so much context it’s barely funny anyway, but if you’re going to be an asshat, you may as well do it the RIGHT WAY.  Let’s say for the sake of argument that I am douche #1.  (Rediculous, I know).

Douche 1: Gobble gobble chumble spuzz

Douche 2: PUNCHLINE

This is an acceptable format.  If you’re gonna post something lame and idiotic, make sure you aren’t the one who said it.

God is a douche.  Ask any christian who wrote the bible, and they’ll start throwing around phrases like “word of god” and “god says”.  So what really is the bible but a giant self quote?  What makes god so great that he can quote his damn self in his own book over and over, ESPECIALLY in the position of a deity?  Fuck if I wrote a book claiming to be a supreme being spitting out bullshit like “Fray commanded, and it was good” they’d have me committed.

It’s a good story though.  That Jesus fella cracks me up.

And you might have just read this post and are now thinking, “But Fray, by that logic aren’t all books or even blog posts just giant self quotes? Did you not just contradict yourself?”

No. I Rule.  And if you didn’t think that while reading, then this post went over your head and you’re one of the very people I write to hate.  That means you Spencer and Heidi.

Cocky I know, mostly because I deserve the reputation.

You should know that I am unlikely to spare personal feelings in the majority of my posts, nor am I likely to be kind to things I find incorrect.  I am opinionated, but who cares I am always right.

You might ask then, why am I posting on a blog devoted to rage?  Well, simply put, I often find interaction with idiots to be so incredibly upsetting that I quietly brood there destruction.